Who Ya Gonna Call? Ghostbusters!

For the past two years, my right nipple (and only my right nipple) has been haunted by this itching sensation.

Of course, it’s a phantom sensation, as I no longer have any nipples.

Even back when I did have nipples, a nipple itch was an awkward thing to deal with. If you were out in public, you can’t just reach under your shirt and start scratching, at least not without attracting guys with mullet hair cuts driving beat up rusty ’69 Camaro’s.

The only place a public nipple scratch is acceptable is Walmart (because everything seems to be free game there), and then you are in danger of appearing uncouth.

All ladies know that the secret to scratching a nipple itch is misdirection and deception. You might casually reach over to your opposite shoulder and pretend to massage an achy muscle. What’s really happening is your bicep is secretly rubbing against the itching area.


Fortunately, I don’t recall this kind of itch being a problem that happened often. (If ever – I might just be making all this up.) But now that my breasts are missing, that phantom nipple itches often.

It’s beginning to drive me crazy…like over the top nuts because I know there isn’t a nipple there to itch.

I know what you are thinking. Why can’t you just scratch the expanded skin where the nipple used to be, you ask?

Well, that area is completely numb. I mean, dead as a doornail. You could burn it or take a screwdriver and plunge it into my right breast, and like Locke on Lost after Sayid stabbed him, I’d just stare at you, pull it out and say, “Now, what’d you go and do that for?”

There is no sensation there to cause itching. I am numb over the my entire chest area from under the foobies to my collar bone, where feeling starts to come back in spots. I do have sensitivity under the expander, so if I push the skin on top, I can feel pressure inside my chest muscle on the ribs, and when it is below 40 my chest contracts and squeezes the crap out of me which is quite strange and hurts like hell. But the skin is completely numb.

Except for the itching.

In the nipple I don’t have.

Even though I can’t feel anything, I try to scratch anyway. Who wouldn’t? Since I can’t feel the area where I experience the itching sensation, I find a spot nearby that I can feel and scratch that. You might see me gently rubbing my cleavage, hoping that somehow over cut nerves, the gentle scratching will transmit to the sensation of itching in an area I no longer have, and will provide me relief.

But so far, no such luck.

Where’s the Ghostbusters when you need them?

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