Where Is My Epiphany?

Today “epiphany” supports a range of meanings, including “an intuitive grasp of reality,” “an illuminating discovery, realization, disclosure, or insight,” or simply “a revealing scene or moment.” My definition of an epiphany ” a moment of sudden or great revelation that usually changes you in some way.”

Do you ever wonder what great lessons you are supposed to have learned from having Breast Cancer? I have not even had this cross my mind once during my journey. I believe this is another of those cancer expectation that’s out there and continuously perpetuated.

We’re supposed to learn from, and therefore potentially be grateful for, the life “detour” that is cancer, are we not? NO, at least not in my eyes!

We are supposed to be transformed into a new and improved version of our former selves, right? NOT as far as I have seen!

Looking back, cancer has taken so much from me. It took my health, and half of my hair, my energy levels dropped to almost nothing, chunks of my body were removed, my thyroid has almost stopped functioning, sometimes I wonder if even my sanity has left me, and it left me scarred both physically and emotionally. (No, I’m not bitter at all.) Not to mention, how many countless times I have had to put my life on hold to deal with issues caused by this dreadful illness, it’s treatment and the destruction it leaves behind. And maintenance drugs afterward are no piece of cake, either.

I have read articles about cancer survivors proclaiming to be transformed, enlightened, improved upon, bettered, or whatever. It seems many have experienced some sort of epiphany. And I’m happy for those individuals. I mean that. Really! That is not sarcasm. But it just hasn’t happened to have worked out that way for me.

What about for you?

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m a slow learner or something. Sometimes, I wonder if someone forgot to give me my copy of the, “how to properly do and learn from cancer,” handbook. That is sarcasm.

After almost three years, I sometimes feel I should be enlightened about many things by now. About what I have no idea. I wish I did. I really want to know…

Where and what are my cancer lessons?

And what is an epiphany anyway?

In this context, it’s generally defined as a revelation, a sudden manifestation, or realization about the meaning of something; an illuminating discovery.

Well, it just has not happened for me.

Sure, I have picked up some nuggets of wisdom during the past years, but a lot, maybe even most of the stuff I have learned from and about cancer, is totally shitty stuff.

Okay, so I’m being rather sarcastic in this post and cynical and maybe even a little grumpy. But wouldn’t you be. I have breast cancer, my husband lymphoma, and my Mom has pancreatic cancer. And I have been affected in some way, shape or form by each.

So what?

Sometimes, I get weary of all the cancer expectations and cancer language nonsense out there, much of which makes no sense to me. And okay, sometimes I get cranky too.

And I sure would like to know…Where is my epiphany?

Maybe that is the purpose of this 2cm lymph node under my left arm…another attempt for me to have my epiphany.

I don’t think so, I think it’s just the devil’s way of showing me he can still manipulate little disturbances in my life.

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