New Boobs, New Pains

Going insane…got no brain!

Boob job my ass!

WTF seriously FREE!!

I had cancer that is where this all started. I just had a lift and augmentation to fill in the divot in my right boob from the lumpectomy 16 years before and they were perfect. No offense what so ever to those with tucks and nips, none that was your choice and you should have at it. I have not yet met at cancer badass that has said “Phew I really enjoyed this whole process, I am sooooo happy I got cancer cause this is just what I wanted”. NOT A SINGLE ONE!

I was going along fine with my floppy, breast feed out boobs just fine. Then I found a lump. And a week later you could see the lump. And the doctor thought it was a cyst. He tried to suck it out with a needle. In fact, he stuck me 5 times and got nothing. The next day I had a mammogram. And the next day a needle biopsy. A week later, a lumpectomy that removed almost a third of my right boob. 16 years of saggy boobs with a divot in the right boob but they were mine, oh mine.

16 years and no new cancer. One day I just woke up and said, “I am getting these things fixed. I had a benilli lift and augmentation. They looked so good. They were perfect.

Then BAM got cancer and it all unfolded. I needed to decided on a mastectomy or bilateral mastectomy, reconstruction or flat and fabulous. There was no one telling me to slow down and really think this through, what it is you want in the end. It happened so fast I made decisions based on what I thought people did. I had never wanted implants but it seemed my only option. Honestly I may seem all brave and together but I am not any of that when the idea of going flat was brought up. Call me vain but I needed to have something there. So I got expanders that they pumped up then had the implants put in.

That may seem so cut and dry but until you are in it the feeling is surreal, especially with cancer looming over head. Which from the get go I hated, no I will not go on again about how fake they are but that is how I feel like an alien. I have plenty of friends that feel great in the implants and are ok with them, but again they did not ask for them.

The first set of implants were fine. I think it was that the muscles were not stretched to their capacity. My pectoral muscles are being pulled at my collar bones and at my ribs. The pain is continuous. Some days are worse than others. I am hoping it will stop soon.

Ok, my MRI showed I had a brain but whether it is on the fritz remains to be determined. It is hard to say when a cold is just a cold or if something brewing. After diagnosis, whenever you get a headache, toothache, hang nail or backache you think “Mother of all that is evil it must be bad, it must be cancer”. Not, really…I brush it off and go about my day. It is so difficult to figure out when to call the doc, which doc to call and whether it is really serious.

The ache at my collar bones has been there for more than since the implants were put in and probably should be address. Guess what, it actually could be just a pulled muscle from lifting all those chips or from stress.

The problem is our head starts making us second guess every ache/pain/change in body. I would always tough it out and wait until the last minute now I have ALL my docs on speed dial. The problem is when do you call??? How do you call?? At this point I think Ghost Busters might be able to help me. I really feel like I am losing my mind, yes I may have lost it but now it is going haywire like serious craziness. Yet, I know I am not alone, right please tell me I am not alone.

Yes possibly

MRI says brain is still there and in good condition minus all the pot I smoked and other drugs that crossed my path when I was young. No inflammation and no tumors, well hot damn!!! Yet the pain and pressure and ears ringing off an on (or is it, maybe it is just my overacting).

The doc looks at you like you are nuts and maybe you are but damn there is no need to make me feel that way. You want it to be nothing and hope it will be but what if it is something! I think docs need to understand this and that you want to be healthy and fit into your before cancer jeans so bad!! Do you ever get pass the fear?? I do not think so ever. I have seen too many friends suffer and have been through enough to not be scared.

So, I find myself sitting and letting the pain build and feel all the symptoms just to prove to myself I am not making this up. Which it totally not fun, just saying. Going insane is not at all as enjoyable as I thought.

Bone pain, pain in my abdomen, pain under my implants, and my feet hurt so bad it is hard to walk.

I am off to the neurologist next month and while I really hope he tells me I am ok…it is stress and not something bigger. And all I want is relief from the discomfort. I am tired of the migraines. Maybe I need a lobotomy or a vacation (oh, wait…I just took one).

God help me…maybe I am going nuts!

2 Comments

  1. I hear you. I was diagnosed stage iv de novo so my experiences are slightly different; at the same time, I totally get the dark places where your mind automatically goes. Every ache and pain must equal more cancer, progression, something bad. I have no advice, just commiseration. Love and hugs to you!! ❤️

    Like

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