I’m Dying…NOT! I’m Choosing to Live

I’m dying. According to some, I’ve been dying for a little over 57 years. They say it started the day I was born. We all die. Survey says: 10 out of 10 people die! There is no way to dodge it. But just because you’ve been given a cancer diagnosis, doesn’t mean you give up on life.

Ugly, Nasty, Crappy cancer makes it all a little too real. I despise the dry, flaky skin caused by the Tamoxifen I have to take, daily. My eyeballs are floating because I can’t seem to drink enough water to quench the cotton mouth, also caused by the Tamoxifen. And dang…I’m exhausted all the time because of the hot flashes that wake me up most nights, which is also caused by Tamoxifen. My batteries are running out. However, I’m not ‘struggling’ or ‘battling’, and I’m not just “getting by”…I’m LIVING!

I am not unique. There are so many of us afflicted with an ugly, nasty, crappy form cancer. More types of cancer than I can actually count. They are all around us if we would only open our eyes and pay attention.

The financial strain it puts on a family is as much the same as the physical and emotional strain it causes the inflicted. And it became crystal clear to me, it’s a disease that happens to somebody else in everyone’s eyes. Crappy cancer doesn’t have a specific face to other people. And they never see it happening to them…I was one of those.

Plus, there’s no such thing as “cured” in the breast cancer world, by the way. We just “become NED”. So, why am I referred to as a “cancer survivor?” After the cancer is removed following surgery, we are given a stamp of being “Cancer free (No Evidence of Disease)”.

Let’s talk a little about treatment. OMG! That’s the real hard part. Some people do chemo first, sometimes it is after surgery. Radiation is generally after surgery. Then there is FIVE to TEN years of a daily maintenance drug treatment. 1825 to 3650 days. Really? Who is one who decided that magic time frame? Why couldn’t it be 4 years, or maybe 5 years and 6 months or even 9 years 6 months? And treatment isn’t a fight against crappy cancer itself, but against “re-occurance”…which is an invisible devil! When is the magic day that I can be declared as having won the battle? When will I celebrate a cancer free life? You celebrate everyday you wake up to see another day.

Every day is a gift. A day to enjoy what God has put before us. I’m trusting God that this ugly, nasty, crappy cancer was all a part of his plan. It really doesn’t matter when I die or what causes my death; for I know this world is not my true home and I shall live forever…just not in this diseased body.

Now, don’t misunderstand me! I would really like to stick around awhile longer and enjoy my beautiful grandkids! Watch them grow as I watched their Mommas grow into the women they are. But I know my name is written in the book of life and my days are numbered.

I ask God every day to show me how I can use my ugly, nasty, crappy cancer to help someone and bring Him glory. I may never know if this blog was what he had in mind but I’m sure gonna do my best with it.

I consider myself blessed…blessed beyond what I think I may have ever deserve.

I’ve never asked “why me?” Why NOT me? I know, the moment I will be cancer free forever, although I can’t tell you the exact date or time. Only God knows. And as I meet my Lord and Savior in my heavenly home and perfect body, I will be cancer free.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9,16

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; Persecuted but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed; so we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.

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