Let’s see…which emotional issues should I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?
After my breast cancer diagnosis, everything got to rolling so fast and I didn’t get time to grieve for my sacrificed breasts. Both were amputated (at my request)! Now they are but a distant a memory seen in pictures. Gone forever. And OMG, you wouldn’t believe the COST of having my boobies removed! Wowza! I mean really. You could purchase a house!
As a breast cancer survivor, who underwent a bilateral mastectomy, I am not sure I am supposed to say I miss the boobies. I probably shouldn’t be thinking about it the way I do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed to have found that ugly, nasty, crappy cancer early and gotten rid of it. I’m glad to be alive. But if I’m honest, I’m miss my breast. (Yes, I had reconstruction…it is not the same) My breast fed my babies. And they are gone! They gave my husband and I both pleasure. And they are gone! I’m sure my hubby misses them too, even though he’s been fantastic. (And think for a minute how he might be unfairly criticized if he were to openly admit that). There seems to be a certain amount of guilt involved when a breast cancer patient says she misses her breasts.
This may be a sensitive subject…the size of a woman’s mammary glands. Clothes are made to fit us with boobage, everything fits different after reconstruction than the real boobs. Who cares? Actually, it seems, everybody! Marketing uses boobs to sell almost everything from motorcycles to viagra.
As a young girl in Jr. High, our P.E Coach had us girls chanting “We must, we must, we must increase our bust” out loud. So, she was telling us girls how important our size was while we were all still in training bras! I hated those dang bras. I wasn’t excited or proud to get one and didn’t want it. There were always those who developed early and wore mascara and lip gloss before I did. Of course, I grew into a B cup by high school (not much but more than none) and before crappy cancer took them, I was a D cup. (‘Generous sized’ according to my surgeon.)
Shopping for bras (have you noticed there are 4+ aisles to choose from) is not fun. So many choices! Satin, damask, cotton, padded, underwire, pink, white, tiger print, leather and lace. We want to look curvy, but be comfortable. There’s no such thing with booby straps or over the shoulder boulder holders!!!
But I still miss them. There, I said it, (or wrote it) for posterity. It’s out there in cyberspace for all to read and digest. I miss the girls. I grieve for them. Losing them was a BIG deal after all. My hugs are different…now the padding between me and whomever I’m hugging is just not the same. They are either afraid of hurting me, or they do hurt me.
I’m ok with that, are you?