Menopause: The New Puberty

Menopause is the new puberty but in reverse. What I mean is minus the sex drive (I should be in my sexual peek as a woman in my 50’s). We survive (if that is what you call it) having our body amputated and mutilated then this…cancerpause.

Cancerpause, yes, it should be a word listed in the dictionary. Every breast cancer patient will agree it is a word…because we are living with it!

Here’s the deal, most woman hit menopause in stages. A little weight gain here…a little hot flash there. They gradually come on and you learn how to deal with them. They sometimes give you hormones to balance that all out as well. Then you get ugly, nasty, stupid, dumb breast cancer and things change in the menopause world! All Hell breaks out in you body. They take ALL your hormones out or block them and you cannot have any hormonal replacement because you have a hormone driven cancer, you, my friend, are in full blown cancerpause!

I remember being in the hospital, 7 hours after surgery and the nurse said to me “have you had any hot flashes?” I thought, there is no friggin way after 7 hours that would happen.

AHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!

Skip to the next day: I was sitting in my nice recliner watching TV with my hubby, nicely medicated from the pain pills, eating some almonds, when holy friggen hot sauce the wave of heat came over me. It started at my collar bone then drifted both up to my head and down my torso. It is literally like you are burning from the inside out!! You instantly want to rip all your clothes off and jump in a bath of ice, would not have been a pretty sight since this was 28 hours post op!! No shit, it happened that fast.

Did I tell you I cried during some commercial that had nothing remotely sad in its content, wah wah wah! One minute I am super happy cause it is quiet with everyone sleeping and the next I am homicidal cause Glen forgot and left a cupboard door open then I am sobbing when he hugged me. I know you are thinking that is normal for me but sister I am telling you, I do NOT CRY!!! The rest of that is normal do not leave the damn cupboard doors open. I feel like I am on an emotion roller coaster. I swear to god Menopause is the new puberty!

Can we talk hair GROWTH!!?? And I’m not talking the hair on my head, because it is thinning out. They took the estrogen out now my testosterone is on over drive. I need to shave every friggin day, I am shaving at an alarming pace and do not even look at my arms! I am use to shaving once a week! Crap, I do not need any more damn hair grown on my body and leave the hair on my head alone!!

The night sweats followed the night after the surgery. You wake up drenched in sweat and not wanting anything to touch me, sorry Glen! I, now, am basically sleeping naked cause that seems to help, again sorry Glen to make you get all hot and bothered. Wait that is what I am but not at all in the sexual way, UGH!!!! See it isn’t just night sweats, hot flashes and mood swings it is all the other shit that goes with it.

Now one would think with all that testosterone I would be well, wanting to have lots of sex. NOPE! UGHHHHH, sex drive is in grandma speed, no less than grandma speed. I love my husband and all he does for me, especially now. This is the one time I agree with my family, god bless Glen! WTF, cancer took my boobs, my girl parts, my energy, left me with scars, and now people, I have added my sex drive to the awful list. Does anyone have Viagra for women that wouldn’t feed this hormone driven cancer??? Is there such a thing…because if not, design it and you are an instant Billionaire!

Oh, and let’s not forget the moisture level of that fun box…it has turned to the Mojave Desert. So, if you get a penis in there, it is pulling both in and out. I would think it has to hurt him as much as it did me!

Men, like to touch…women love to be touched. But it sucks when you have no breast. And no nipples, which equals no instant arousal. Plus, you have no feelings on those mounds at all. They are only there for show.

Life is not what it once was. I was a sex machine…now, I just dream about it. I use to have such self confidence in my looks, now I am afraid of rejection. And if he wanted sex with me, how would he feel after seeing what breast cancer has done to me (foobies with no nipples and the extra weight where my waist use to be). And oh my lord if he still wants to after seeing all that…does he have lubricant?

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