Before I had my bilateral mastectomy, the house got a good cleaning. Top to bottom, behind and under furniture, all the windows, bathrooms got bleached. I spent one entire day making my living room a place of comfort and serenity. Because I would be spending most of my time there after a mastectomy.
I spent most of my days and nights in a brand new recliner I purchased just before surgery for my recovery period. I had a couple visitors, only family. Sometimes dealing with the mundane days of not being able to do anything because I’m supposed to “take it easy” or my drains would have to stay in longer. Crap. Thank the Lord, I got those nasty things removed at two weeks! I went back at work at 7 days post surgery, because of the construction going on at my house…and I was tired of being tired from not doing anything. No, I was not released…I just went. I was tired of reading, thinking, playing on Pinterest, thinking, watching TV, napping, thinking and reading some more. I was utterly and completely bored. Bored, I tell you!
The trouble with cancer is that as soon as you are diagnosed, everyone kinda disappears or fades away. Some might talk about your chances of survival in the third person, if they talk to you at all. Then comes the whirlwind of surgery and treatments and everyone suddenly stops talking. Actually, I think at least half of it has to do with the person who has cancer. I started a Facebook page as a way of communicating my daily life as a breast cancer survivor. I have talked with people every day…maybe it’s my thumbs that are talking with everyone, being as I type the majority of these post on my phone.
Oh, I’ve received cards in the mail…And I’ll make no bones about it, but I found myself getting irrationally angry at my peeps (and strangers as well) for going about their business of daily life. They were carrying on as if everything is normal! EVERYTHING had changed for me and they all act as if nothing happened! I get it. I do. Because I was on the other side once. What do you say or do when someone you know has cancer?
My precious husband has been my rock…His gentle ways of making me feel like it’s going to be ok. He holds me when I need held. He kisses my forehead and tells me I’m beautiful as how much he loves me. I hurt for any woman going through this alone.
Let’s not forget this unfathomable disease started with a routine mammogram. Several (3) tumours discovered in the right boob, in fact. My lovely boobs that were the perfect after my reconstruction, lift and augmentation. They were sometimes in my way and a nuisance but they helped conceal my slight belly bulge! I at least had curves! NOW, I have the absolute weirdest figure of all time. My waist is gone thanks to Tamoxifen. My midsection will probably never resemble what I once sported! It would be depressing, if I let it get to me.
Admittedly, I’m usually pretty flippant about this whole cancer ordeal. I smile my way through it most of the time. Perhaps my moods are knocking on gloom’s door today as I have achy joints and a headache this morning!
I’m physically uncomfortable, sometimes in pain, and continually trying to wrap my head around my body image. I stare in the mirror at what crappy cancer has done to me and I’m shocked each time. The simple act of taking a shower is so arduous. I still have days that I can’t raise my arms or move them very much. It’s preposterous to assume I’ll be able to “get on with my life” with crappy cancer as a stowaway. Welcome aboard crappy cancer! (She says with dripping sarcasm) I’m tired. So tired.
I miss my life as I sit here alone. I’m actually working myself up to being ticked off! Crappy cancer makes me mad! And so you, the reader, whoever you are, is who I unload on. This is just one of those days where I have to let loose and get it out of my system!
I hope you’ll forgive the honest reflection today. I promised myself that I would always be honest in writing this blog. My personal self is fearcely honest and I am keeping this page the same way. I’m fine with spending time by myself and usually enjoy it. Sometimes my alone time is for other’s protection and my sanity. I’ve even run away from home a few times to regroup. So why am I ranting? I can’t explain it. Cancer gives me dry skin, dry mouth, diarrhea and moodiness. I’ll survive. Tomorrow’s a new day. The End.