I Am a Voice

I am a voice.

Wait…when the hell did this happen? It still boggles my mind that people read the stuff I write, let alone share it, wanting to sit and chat about it. IT’S CRAZY!

I have been both following and “talking” basically since my diagnosis over 3 1/2 years ago. I have learned so much and shared it with all. The breast cancer community is tight and these woman are like family to me, they help me as I try to help them through this page. And I pray for them every night.

I’m in a mood tonight. Might be because of the headache, nausea and diarrhea I’ve had all day from some stomach bug (could be the meds) I got from my g-baby. So, I hope you can stay with me.

There are so many stages of cancer, degrees, different types, and treatments, all making everyone’s journey different than the last. Now, add the personality of the person in mix and BAM different again. Doesn’t make it the right or wrong way, just makes it their way.

When I was told I had cancer and my two options…a mastectomy (I had already had a lumpectomy 16 years ago) or bilateral mastectomy. I choose a bilateral mastectomy, my choice! I didn’t ask for a bilateral mastectomy because I was bored, I had friggin cancer.

I didn’t choose a bilateral mastectomy because it was in InStyle magazine and trendy, I choose it because I had cancer. So, I will deal with it like I know how, being sarcastic, bold and straight forward because I’m me regardless of cancer.!

Can I relate to every cancer badass out there? No, I can not. But I sure as hell can try to find someone who can. Shit, I don’t even like everyone, I have a group of friends that are near and dear to me. And everyone of them is real…not a fake person in the group. Cancer or not, some people are just mean.

The reason I am saying this is because there is sometimes this fucked up competition with cancer. WHAT?! Yup, you heard me right. People actually compete, compare and judge someone by their cancer. Maybe, it’s for lack of faith, boredom, or meanness. But some have to out do next…better them. It’s cancer you dumb ass! And everyone’s journey is completely different from someone else’s.

Me, I just want to say, “its the cancer doing it not them.” But, shit, I think it’s the person really. You can’t judge someone’s journey unless you walk in it. You can’t compare how they are dealing with it by how you did…you are different people. Not to mention, how does any of it effect you? It doesn’t effect you at all. It effects them and they are doing the best they can, just like you.

Some people thought I was nuts because I took picture of the foobies taped up with tubes hanging out after surgery. While I am nuts, I had my reasons. Don’t worry I’m gonna tell them to you. First, you can’t understand one bit of it unless you can see, feel or experience it. Second, knowledge is power. Third, it gave everyone something to talk about. Last, those pictures made me feel strong, empowered, and brave. I needed to feel those things for me cause I was scared as hell. You can’t judge me unless you walk in shoes, and those pictures are about as close as any of you will get…Praise the Lord! Because I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy!

People actually judged Deborah (woman dancing in the operating room) from shaking her thang before surgery, why?? What does anyone care if that helped her get through it? What if that video helped someone down in the dumps, what if that lifted their spirits?

I saw a woman crying, as they wheeled her away because that’s probably what she needed to do. What if her crying showed someone they were not alone? Why do we look to the negative so fast instead of embracing the positivity in these situations? After the surgeries and treatments (if you have treatments, which some of us are lucky to escape, but which are so different) you do whatever you need to get by.

I choose blogging and reaching out, because it works for me. I have met some amazing warriors on my support page and a couple of other pages. The positive energy is infectious and I want everyone to come back, tell us what is happening in their lives, share their stories. Guess what, all these women are awesome because they are doing what they need to get by!

Cancer is a stupid dumb ass disease that messes with you on so many levels. Yes, I know I’ve said that before but for some reason no one is listening to me. It’s stupid because it can sometimes bring out the worse in people when they are going through enough as it is. Respect for those battling their own battle is so vital not just cancer battle but life! You don’t know what someone’s life it like when they shut that door. So, why would you judge how they handle their life.

I may seem like I’m Little Miss Positivity but crap I’m in physical pain from cancer, emotional pain from cancer but am choosing to smile to show cancer I’m stronger than it. You can’t judge me unless you have held my hand, wiped my tears, laughed your ass off when I tripped over my own two feet.

I wrote this because of a conversation three women were having at the Oncologist office on my last visit. Each one trying to top the other one. They asked me about mine…I told them “God Bless me with this disease to teach me humility. But he also gave me a pardon from chemo and radiation.” They turned away and continued there talk about their cancer.

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