The Fun Continues – Random Thoughts.

I’m living in a world where crappy cancer has invaded…it’s everywhere! It has taken a front seat in my life permeating my every thought. I’m meeting so many people who are all a part of this “sister-hood” club involving breast cancer. The women I’ve met through this crappy cancer have been amazing, as well as a resource of information and support.

I’ve never noticed other women who have had mastectomies and now I do. We are all part of a club we didn’t ask to join.

I feel like I shouldn’t even bother with a gown in the doctor’s office any more. Any assemblage of shyness or privacy fades with crappy cancer. I was poked and prodded, squished and smashed, multiple needle sticks, Xrays and Sonograms. My boobs were exposed and felt by multiple medical personnel. Besides, what would I be hiding? Just a set of skin covered silicone implants with scars across them! Not much to see!

Crappy cancer is a taker. It takes away from your shyness and modesty, self esteem, and courage. It continues to take our finances, lifestyle, energy, emotions, health, security and time. Cancer takes a lot. Crappy cancer takes a lot.

I live with the constant reminder of cancer. It will forever be a part of my life. I was naive enough to consider that I wouldn’t ever have to worry about breast cancer again…NOT! Will it come back? Probably. I need to be diligent and live a healthy lifestyle, and continue to cooperate with my team of doctors. Stupid crappy cancer.

I’m still mad at those that told me there was very little pain! I’m mad at crappy cancer for invading my life. And I’m mad that they whacked off my boobs! I’m mad that amputating my boobs leaves no guarantee that I won’t get cancer again!

The skin over my foobies is numb to touch. The muscles are aching from being stretched to their limit to cover the implants. And the cold air of winter sets a pain like that (but not quite as bad) as when they cut them off. It’s a crushing feeling as the muscles contract from the cold air cutting through clothing and thin stretched skin.

I hate crappy cancer. I hate that it’s all I think about right now. I hate that I can’t sleep comfortably or without some kind of pain. I hate that my mind wanders because of brain fog due to Tamoxifen. I hate that I’m on limited activity and my sweet husband is dealing with his own demon, lymphoma. I hate that my mother has to deal with life long chemo because of pancreatic cancer.

But I love that I have him to help me and I am here to help him. I love that he’s so supportive. I love that we caught my crappy cancer before it was too late. I love that my family surround me with love. I love that I have excellent doctors. I love that the great physician, my Savior, walks with me on this journey. I love that HE’S in control. My faith has never wavered from Him because of this crappy cancer.

Dear Lord, please guide every woman in this situation the way you have me. Give them the strength to stand up and help others and themselves while tracking through this journey. Remind them Lord of how much you love them.

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