Suck It Up…Buttercup!

I hate to cry and I seldom do. I’ve always been tough and able to deal with things in a very stressful world. I just DO. NOT. CRY.

But now, I find tears running down my cheeks quite often. Commercials, Lifetime movies…LIFE! I have become overly emotional about the tiniest things. Mood swings are out of control. I hate it! Suck it up, Buttercup, and get a grip! Cried several times on Christmas, my birthday, my g-babies birthday…just about everyday. I feel like all those non-sympathetic moments in my life have come back to haunt me.

I am having some weird side affects too with no explanation. Chills to the point of my teeth rattling with NO fever, then, 30 seconds later dripping in sweat. I cannot sleep. It’s midnight, I went to bed at 9:45pm and I am awake already. I barely doze on and off and start my days off totally exhausted. My nights are filled with awful hot flashes that torch my body and cause me to get very little sleep. I can only sleep on my side and for a short period of time because my sides and underarms still hurt.

I’ve never been nervous or anxious. This has never been a problem of mine. Now, sometimes, I get a little scared just leaving the house. I don’t want to become a recluse, but I’m just perfectly content to stay home. It has become a security blanket of sorts…a way to avoid anything happening outside my immediate world and family. I’m simply not the same person. At all. Stupid crappy cancer…I blame you for all of this shit! You and these stupid drugs that keep you at bay!!!

These drugs along with past traumatic events that I have pushed back for so many years…are crashing in on me. I wake up with a pillow that is soaked. I am at work, and tears just start rolling down my face. For weeks this went on. Finally, I called my doctor and asked for something to help stop this.

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