Where have I been?

Back in September of 2020 my life started falling apart.

My husband said, “maybe we should just get a divorce”…rather than letting me be part of decision making.

My Mom’s treatment wasn’t working for her…and she wouldn’t listen to the doctor. And she wasn’t able to care for herself. She needed help…but completely refused it. In fact, I took an ass chewing from hell during that conversation.

I lost my BestFriend to a stroke at 57 in November.

Then in January, my Mom heard a noise in her attic. She didn’t call anyone. Next thing you know…her ceiling is on the floor and water is pouring in the condo.

Needless to say…she had to move. And I was her only choice.

My granddaughter gave up her room for Granny. And we put a bead in my makeup room for her.

Mom got home cooked meals, rather than her microwave meals, everyday. And had someone to talk to everyday. At night, she and I watched “Dark Shadows”. You know…the old black and white TV series.

We had a snow storm from hell go through Texas two days after Mom went on Hospice. And died eight days later, on February 22. Death Certificate says the 23, because no one got here until after midnight.

I was holding her hand when she took her last breath.

It been 12 weeks since her passing. I try not to dwell on how much I am missing her. It is much tougher than most people think it is on me.

I am often told how much happier she is in Heaven…but honestly that never makes me feel any better.

Actually, if I am completely honest, that thought makes me a bit angry. I don’t want her to be happier in Heaven, I want her to be here with me. We didn’t get to finish watching “Dark Shadows.” I want to talk to her, I want to see her, I want to gripe about those stupid cigarettes! And I want her to be here to watch the girls’ (Dani, Misty, Nichole, Courtney, Maddi and Payton) events and life milestones, no matter if they are big or small.

I hate that she had to leave us so soon. She was only 78. Maybe I am being selfish, but I don’t care, I think in this situation I am allowed to be unreasonable and selfish. I want my Momma here with me!

I just want to have her back in my day-to-day life…to call when I am upset, scared, confused, or happy. I miss her advice, her jokes, and even her bad days.

I know that things got hard in the end and that I was often frustrated with her. I am sorry for that, it was really never her, but the circumstances. I know she was just as frustrated at being trapped in a body that no longer worked as her mind did and that is my only silver lining in knowing that she is no longer in her earthly body.

I miss her every day, and I pray she is able to see my accomplishments and even my sorrows. To feel that she is still present in my life and supporting me from Heaven helps. She was always my biggest cheerleader and fan. She was the person who taught me the concept of unconditional love which is the best gift she gave me in life.

Mother’s Day sucked!

It was dodging the card aisle because I just can’t bring myself to read them and the truth is I don’t feel like I belong in that aisle anymore, it’s for those with a mom who lives here and not in Heaven.

I was changing the channel when the commercials come on talking about gifts for mom because I know that not even Amazon Prime can deliver a gift to Heaven.

I prayed nobody would ask me what my plans were with my mom for Mother’s Day or what I bought her this year.

I looked through a lot of old pictures bringing back memories and trying to remember the last Mother’s Day I spent with you.

And now, she won’t be here to take new pictures with me on Mother’s Day.

So…I have been sulking around for almost a year. Which is coming to an end. I am taking charge and getting myself back together.

2 Comments

  1. My Michelle! Honey I am not going to tell you that she is in a better place, or that she is happier, because although she is in Heaven and that is awesome, she misses you so much! I know that you hurt, and I wish I could take away your pain, but unfortunately this is something you have to go through in your own way, and in your own time. Mother’s Day in the future will hurt for a while, I’m sorry. You have suffered a lot of loss in your life, and this past year or two has really sucked, I’m sorry for that too. I miss Melissa so much! I think about her constantly, and I think about you all the time too. I wish we lived closer and I could just jump in my car and go over to your house and kidnap you for a few hours and go have a couple of drinks. I would give you a giant hug and tell you we are going to get through this because we have to. I also wish we lived closer, because when I am doubled over with pain from this FUCKING Crohn’s disease you could give me a giant hug and tell me you are going to find me a damn heating pad that actually gets hot! (to at least 160 degrees!) and that I am going to feel better. I guess this too shall pass.
    Just remember that I will love you forever girl and I will do my very best to not die in the near future. I love you!

    Like

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